“When the solution to the problem is ‘they need to change,’ the problem will never go away,” she writes. “You can only control your side of the street.”
Ms. Tawwab recommends asking yourself: If this person did not change a single thing, what — if anything — could I do to make the relationship different? Write it all down in a list, she said: “These are the issues in this relationship. These are the parts of those issues that I can change, and these are the parts that are not my stuff.”
In the book, Ms. Tawwab offers the example of “Kelly” (she uses only first names throughout), who has been emotionally “burned” by her brother, time and again. Instead of dwelling on how much she would like to change his behavior, Kelly could jot down coping strategies within her control, like letting his calls go to voice mail so she can return them if and when she is ready, and letting him know that certain topics, like rants about siblings or parents, are off-limits.
Increase your tolerance for difficult conversations.
Changing a dysfunctional relationship will invariably require you to say hard things to a family member. But that is a skill that anyone can develop, Ms. Tawwab said.
Start with a pep talk. Remind yourself that being assertive about your needs and your boundaries is not rude, she said.
Then, when it’s time to address your family member, keep your script simple, Ms. Tawwab said. People often put off difficult conversations because they are searching for the “right” words. It’s OK to say something like “I don’t want you yelling at me anymore,” she offered as an example, adding, “There’s not a more ‘beautiful’ or perfect way to say that.” (Therapy can also help you identify and connect to your needs and learn to express them, she said.)
“We have tricked ourselves into thinking that we’re supposed to always feel comfortable, so even as we’re saying hard things our goal is to say it without the other person feeling upset or mad or wanting a further explanation,” she said. “And that’s not realistic.”
