Express grievances and practice self-compassion. We often blame ourselves when we aren’t valued, Dr. Flett said. But far too often, circumstances beyond our control have made us believe we don’t matter. Perhaps you grew up feeling like you were important to one parent but not the other, or you noticed that teachers expected the worst of children who looked like you. People who have marginalized identities are often made to feel less significant than others.
But two things can be true at once: There are aspects of mattering that you can’t change without institutional and structural overhauls, and you can take action to increase your sense of well-being, Dr. Prilleltensky said. It often starts with recognizing that you’ve been treated unfairly, according to Dr. Flett.
This is what inspired T’áncháy Redvers, a queer television writer and performer, to become a co-founder of We Matter, an organization that aims to teach Indigenous youth about how “systemic and structural forces” make it more difficult to feel valued, and that shares stories of Indigenous people surmounting those forces. Its message is one of hope: Look at how people like you have added and asserted value.
It’s also a message of self-compassion. Just as mattering is a universal human need, having it go unmet is a common part of being alive, Dr. Franco said. So, when possible, eschew self-judgment and remind yourself that you’re not alone, she said. When you think “I don’t matter,” try not to over-identify with the thought; instead, notice and gently challenge the idea, she said. You might say: “I’m having the thought that I don’t matter, but I remember the cashier at the grocery store smiling when I asked about her grandson on Tuesday.”
From there you might find a way forward that underscores how much you matter, just like Dr. Flett’s mother did when she helped him with his research. Instead of ruminating over why her husband no longer valued her or her decision to leave the marriage, Mary Flett became “the lady on the bike” — who knew she mattered quite a bit.
Gail Cornwall is a freelance writer in San Francisco, covering psychology, education and child development, among other topics.
