How We Can Help Children Grow in the Wake of a Crisis

A few years ago, people thought American kids had it way too easy.

Best-selling books and articles lamented “the coddling of the American mind” and shamed “snowplow parents” who removed every obstacle their children encountered. Parents were scolded, told that they should allow their kids to develop “grit” by giving them “the gift of failure.” (If a child leaves their term paper at home on the day it’s due, for example, parents shouldn’t drive it to school for them.)

This critique may have once hit home for a subset of children. Now, it’s toast.

During the pandemic, young people — especially, but not only, the most vulnerable — have experienced massive disruption. More than 200,000 American children, and counting, lost at least one parent to Covid. Young people in foster care, as well as those in juvenile detention centers, sometimes went an entire year without seeing their families in person. Children with special needs often regressed without therapies and interventions. And many kids suffered academically, from remote learning and missed class resulting from quarantines.

Even the luckiest children in the United States confronted enormous loss. They lost family members, social interactions and milestones they will never get back. Children who were seldom told “no” may have suddenly heard it a lot: No birthday party. No summer camp. No Thanksgiving dinner at Grandma’s. No hugging your friends. No prom.

The rise of mental health concerns among children and teens now qualifies as a national emergency. So the question is: As families try to recover, can kids grow from the difficulties they’ve faced?

People can experience positive change through crisis.

For centuries, humans have argued that meaning, wisdom and hope can be found through, not despite, struggle.

It’s a nice sentiment, but is there empirical evidence for this idea? In 1990, Lawrence Calhoun and Richard G. Tedeschi, now professors of psychology emeritus at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte, published a small study examining 52 adults, 30 to 90 years old, who lost someone close to them. Most of the subjects reported growing stronger or more competent in several ways because of their grief. Dr. Calhoun and Dr. Tedeschi coined the term “post-traumatic growth” in 1995 to describe the phenomenon.

Since then, they and other researchers have studied people who have survived highly stressful events — cancer diagnoses, natural disasters, divorces, sexual assaults, war — and found that many, though not all, reported new capacities and silver linings.

Those who have grown through crisis may still define their experience as a negative one, Dr. Tedeschi said, but research suggests they often report positive change in several areas. They may be proud of themselves for surviving, feel more connected to friends and family and discover deeper compassion for others. They might have greater appreciation for everyday life and a sense of new possibilities. If they were religious, spiritual or philosophical before the crisis, those beliefs may mean even more to them.

Post-traumatic growth is related to, but distinct from, resilience, Dr. Tedeschi said. Rather than adapting and bouncing back to a baseline after difficulty, it includes feeling more grounded or better than before. People who are resilient will move forward, but they may not experience post-traumatic growth.

Parents can foster post-traumatic growth in children.

Post-traumatic growth has most commonly been studied in adults, but Dr. Tedeschi said children experience silver linings, too.

By around age 8, most children are developing the cognitive maturity required to see that negative experiences may have benefits, Dr. Tedeschi said. For teenagers, he added, this capacity is even greater. Adolescence is a period “when people are more open to rethinking things,” he said. “So they, in their openness, can be pretty good at recognizing growth.”

This openness, however, doesn’t mean parents should push. Eranda Jayawickreme, a professor of psychology at Wake Forest University who studies post-traumatic growth, warned against pressuring children in a Pollyannaish way, making them think, “not only am I coping with this terrible thing, you’re telling me now that I’m supposed to grow?”

Instead, parents and caregivers may serve as “expert companions,” Dr. Tedeschi explained, guiding children to a new, and potentially better, place.

To do this, Dr. Tedeschi identified five strategies that he uses in his nonprofit, Boulder Crest Foundation, which works to foster post-traumatic growth in first-responders and veterans.

Teach kids that adversity can bring gifts. You might use stories from your life or your family’s spiritual tradition to explain how overcoming a difficulty can leave people stronger. Or, you can approach the same idea through brain science. For example, nonprofits like Turnaround for Children offer curriculums to teach kids about neuroplasticity, or the brain’s ability to adapt and change when we take on challenges and learn new things.

Prepare for difficult emotions. Sharing experience is essential for post-traumatic growth. But to effectively discuss and process those difficulties, children need techniques to deal with emotions like sadness, rage and anxiety. Jonah, an 11-year-old from San Francisco, struggled with remote learning and has autism and A.D.H.D. There was a list of activities on the fridge — cuddle his cat, lie like a starfish on his bed, take deep breaths — to try when he was on the verge of a meltdown.

Dr. Tedeschi noted that caregivers also need emotional regulation skills, because they too can become overwhelmed when children express distress.

Listen. But don’t judge. Expert companions are people who can listen openly, without “closing things up with platitudes and easy answers,” Dr. Tedeschi said. But this requires doing something that can feel counterintuitive: prompting children to disclose the details of a difficult experience, even more than once.

Ask questions about tough times. Listen to your kids without judging or downplaying anything, while expressing how much you care about them.

Help children understand their experience. Trauma, as Dr. Tedeschi defines it, includes a loss of meaning: What you thought you knew about the world turns out to be wrong. Part of post-traumatic growth is discovering a new meaning. “Narrative development” is his term for turning the facts into a cohesive story.

You might ask, “What did this experience mean to you, all in all?” or “What do you know now that you didn’t before?” But, when helping your children assign meaning, be mindful that your values might not reflect what they are actually experiencing. You might fret because your teenager is underperforming in math, but they may be more upset about missing a season of basketball.

Encourage acts of kindness. Over the years, Dr. Tedeschi has found that many people experience growth after a crisis when they choose to help others, especially those in similar situations. He suggested, for example, that a teenager who is catching up academically from the pandemic might try tutoring younger children.

Helping others lends perspective to our experiences and expands on the feelings of compassion that arise when we encounter difficulties. Plus, Dr. Tedeschi said, “Having an impact on other people is very gratifying to most of us.”

Anya Kamenetz is an NPR education reporter and the author of “The Stolen Year.”