“And, as you heard, this balloon was the size of three buses. I love measuring things in buses. And for the rich people out there who don’t know what a bus is, they’re those big yellow vehicles that bring Matt Gaetz’s girlfriends to school.” — CHELSEA HANDLER
“What I don’t get is, why does China even need to send this balloon in the first place? They’re already spying on us with TikTok. Is it possible that the Chinese spies became the first people ever to get sick of TikTok? Were they like, ‘I swear to God, if I see one more basic [expletive] make lasagna in a slow cooker.’” — CHELSEA HANDLER
“And, by the way: China, if you’re listening, which you obviously are, next time, why you don’t make your balloon the color blue, so we can’t see it in the sky? Or if you’re going to make it white, at least write ‘the moon’ on it. No one here will know the difference. I certainly won’t.” — CHELSEA HANDLER
“So the balloon went over Alaska, and then it went through Canada and then into U.S. airspace. And, by the way, Canada, thanks for the heads up on that.” — CHELSEA HANDLER
“Canada saw the balloon, and they were like, ‘Oh, look, one of those Chinese lanterns!’” — CHELSEA HANDLER
