Set boundaries by taking a pause.
Most people know that setting personal boundaries is an important facet of self-care. But often they are too easily breached — or too rigid, Dr. Lakshmin said. You may be clear that you do not work past 5 p.m., but when your boss asks you to just do one more thing, that changes. When a cousin you don’t like asks you to come for a visit, you say “no” instinctively without thinking about whether it might be fun for the rest of your family.
Every time you are in a situation where a boundary might need to be asserted or bent, Dr. Lakshmin suggests taking a pause instead of giving in to a knee-jerk reaction. Then, in that moment, you can choose among three potential responses: yes, no or negotiation. “A healthy boundary is not a brick wall,” she said. “It’s like the net that goes around a trampoline — it’s flexible.”
In her book, she gives the example of planning for the annual Thanksgiving vacation at your in-laws’ home at a time when you are bogged down at work and with small children. Rather than choosing between saying yes or no — both of which have pros and cons — you could negotiate, going for a shorter, more manageable period of time.
“As women, we feel like putting our needs first is selfish, so we end up saying ‘yes’ to things a lot,” Dr. Lakshmin said. “But I’m also not advocating for everybody to move into a cabin in the woods, go completely Walden and never take care of anybody else.” What matters, she said, is that you are giving yourself time to make a call that aligns with your values.
Turn the volume down on guilt.
Women are bound by many, often contradictory cultural expectations, Dr. Lakshmin explained. We are asked to be good mothers who can support ourselves and our families — available, fun and warm all at once.
As a new mother, Dr. Lakshmin is experiencing this tension now, wanting to spend time with her 9-month-old son but also needing (and wanting) to focus on rolling out her book. Either way, there is guilt that comes with prioritizing one over the other, she said.
While it’s almost impossible to shut guilt off completely, Dr. Lakshmin suggests thinking of it as being like a volume dial: You can accept the guilt that comes with prioritizing work or family, but turn the emotion down and learn to live with it on in the background.
For Dr. Lakshmin, that means choosing to get child care over the weekends so she can work. “I can love my kid to death and also know that he’ll be OK with a sitter,” she said. “I’m allowed to focus on something else that is important to me.”
