You should also write out an advanced directive, a legal document that provides, among other things, clear guidance about the level of care you want in a medical emergency if you can’t speak for yourself. And you should consider drafting a last will and testament that outlines how you want to allocate money, assets, intellectual property and other belongings.
If you are transitioning into a caregiver role, a legal care contract that describes the caregiver’s responsibilities and any compensation is also worth considering, Ms. Whiting said. “A lot of people just leave $300 a month on the kitchen table for the family member helping them,” she explained. “These contracts not only help avoid family disputes about where the money went, but also help you bypass tax implications down the road.”
Settling legal matters as early as possible will only make the caregiving experience easier down the line, and everyone can rest assured that those affairs will be taken care of. When Andy Jurinko’s pancreatic cancer progressed in the winter of 2011, his wife, Pat Moore, called a lawyer to finalize paperwork.
“It is the worst thing in the world to be laying in your bed, dying, and having a lawyer ask you questions about who should get what,” Ms. Moore, 69, a sweater designer from New York City, said. “If you wait until the last minute, you’re in such a bad place.”
How to broach the conversation
Several caregivers we spoke to cited another person’s crisis as a catalyst for caregiving discussions. “After 9/11, my parents did most of the work themselves: meeting with lawyers and having a binder made up of all the documents we’d need,” Kitty Eisele, the host and creator of “Twenty-Four Seven: A Podcast About Caregiving,” said. “They came to us and said: ‘Here’s the paperwork, here’s the lawyer’s contact info. If something awful happens, you know what to do.’”
But for those who may be reluctant to have those conversations, there are other ways to begin talking about caregiving with loved ones:
1. Start with goals instead of problems.
It’s tempting to problem-solve when you’re concerned, but Liz O’Donnell, the founder of Working Daughter, a community for women balancing elder care with their careers, warned against that approach. Instead, she said, ask open-ended questions that give loved ones agency and allow them explore possibilities.
“It’s not, ‘You know you can’t live in this house anymore’ or ‘It’s not safe for you to drive anymore,’ but ‘What’s important to you as you look at the next phase of life?’” she said.
