Sometimes when you share the story you’re telling yourself with your partner, Dr. Paley Ellison said, it is so wildly off-base that you both have to laugh.
Ask yourself: What is actually bothering me about this?
Pick a calm moment, sit down with each other “and ask what this is really about,” said Talal Alsaleem, a couples counselor from Rosedale, Calif. Both people should get a chance to share their perspectives without interruption. “I give notepads to my clients,” he said, “so if they’re really dying to comment on what their partner is saying, they can write it down.”
Then, try to explore what is actually bugging you. Because often — surprise! — that fight is not really about the dishes. “It’s safer to fight about taking out the garbage versus all the other things you should be fighting about,” Dr. Alsaleem said. “It’s easier to focus on these issues because they’re a bit more tangible than talking about feelings. It’s more difficult to say, ‘I don’t feel we’re connected,’ or ‘I don’t feel that I’m valued.’”
Delve deeper, Alvarez added, by asking yourself questions like: “What feeling does this bring up for me? Is it something I felt in childhood? Where else have I felt this need not to give up?” Then share these insights with your partner.
Do what’s best for your stress levels
“I don’t like it when people wear their shoes in my house,” Dontea’ Mitchell-Hunter, a therapist based in Atlanta, said. “So I literally have to tell myself: ‘OK, if they do this, is this the end of the world? Can this problem be resolved? Yes, I can vacuum.’ So is it worth flipping out and yelling about a problem that can be fixed with less stress?’”
Sometimes it’s easier on your mental health, Mitchell-Hunter said, to accept some of your partner’s quirks. “Look at the whole picture,” she said. “Surrender, and be like: ‘It doesn’t matter how the dishwasher is loaded, as long as the dishes get clean.” You can be grateful your partner loaded it, she added, so you didn’t have to.
Attack the problem, not each other
You may think it’s ridiculous that your partner constantly gets upset over something that seems trivial to you, but recognize that the feelings it brings up are real.
