Welcome to the 80th annual Golden Globe Awards. I am your host, Jerrod Carmichael, and I’ll tell you why I’m here. I’m here because I’m Black.
I’ll catch everyone in the room up. If you settle down a little bit, I’ll tell you what’s been going on. This show, the Golden Globe Awards, did not air last year because the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, which I won’t say they were a racist organization, but they didn’t have a single Black member until George Floyd died. So do with what information what you will.
I’ll tell you how I got here, why am I here on the stage with you guys tonight. Well, I was at home just drinking tea. And I got a phone call from my man Stephen Hill. Stephen Hill is a great producer and he said, “Jerrod, really I’m honored to be making this phone call.” He said, “I’m producing the 80th Golden Globes, and it would be an honor if you would agree to join as the host.” I was like, “Whoa. Like, one minute you’re making tea at home, the next you’re invited to be the Black face of an embattled white organization.” Life really comes at you fast, you know.
So I said, “Stephen, I’m torn, I’ll be honest with you, I’m a little torn because, you know, one, it’s a great opportunity, thank you for the call, but I’m only being asked to host this, I know, because I’m Black.” And Stephen said, “Let me stop you right there, Jerrod.” He said, “You are being asked to host this show because you are talented. You’re being asked to host this show because you are charming.” He said, “You’re being asked to host this show because you are one of the greatest comedians of our generation.”
But Stephen’s Black, so what does he know? Like, he’s only producing this show because — they’re not going to tell him why he’s here, either — so I said, “Stephen, this is a lot for me, let me call you back.”
So I did what I do when I have a moral, racial dilemma. I call the home girl Avery who, for the sake of this monologue, represents every Black person in America. And I said to Avery, I said, “Avery, they asked me to host, and I said, you know, what should I do?” And she said, “Oh, bookie, I’m so proud of you, now remind me, which awards show is that again?” And I told her what the show was, and I told her about how last year didn’t air because of the no-Black-people thing. And she was like, “Well, how much are they paying you?” And I said, “Well, Avery, it’s not about the money honestly, it’s about the moral question of —” And she said, “Jerrod, enough of all that, how much are they paying you?” And I said, “$500,000.” And she said, “Boy, if you don’t put on a good suit and take some white people money —”
And I kind of forget that, like, where I’m from, like, we all live by a strict take-the-money mentality. I bet Black informants for the F.B.I. in the ’60s, their families were still proud of them like they were — like, “Did you hear about Clarence’s new job? They’re paying him $8 an hour just to snitch on Dr. King. It’s a good government job.”
And I called Stephen back, and I said, “I’m happy to do this.” And I was really proud of that decision until I got an email from my publicist saying that Helen, the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, wanted to have a one-on-one sit-down with me and I said, no thanks. I know a trap when I hear a trap, and I thought it went away, then it came back.
I was like, “Well, they’re not really asking, Jerrod, they’re insisting that you take the meeting.” And I’m like, “Or what? They’re going to fire me? “They haven’t had a Black host in 79 years, they’re going to fire the first — I’m unfireable.”
And it came back again a third time, they were, like, “You know, Jerrod, Helen really just wants to educate you on the changes that the organization has made in regards to diversity.” And I’ll be totally honest with everyone here tonight. I don’t really need to hear that. I took this job assuming they hadn’t changed at all. I heard they got six new Black members, whatever, congrats to them, but not why I’m here.
I’m here truly because of all of you. I look out into this room and I see a lot of talented people — like, people that I admire, people that I would like to be like, and people that I’m jealous of and people that are really incredible artists. And regardless of whatever the Hollywood Foreign Press Association’s past may be, this is an evening where we get to celebrate. And I think this industry deserves evenings like these. I’m happy you all are here. And we’ll have some fun tonight.
