2. Paraphrase
This exercise has done more to tamp down tension in my relationships than anything else — simply restate, in your own words, what you think the other person is saying. “This is a very powerful tool to not just tell somebody ‘I understand you,’ but to demonstrate it,” said Noesner.
The beauty of paraphrasing is that you can’t fake it; you must pay at least some attention to what the person is telling you in order to come up with and share your interpretation.
3. Try emotion labeling
Seek to identify how the person you are talking to (or sparring with) is feeling by starting with a phrase like “You seem as if” or “You sound as though.” For example: “You seem as if you are upset that I asked if you’re still single.” If you are right, the person will agree; if you are off the mark, they will correct you. Either way, you are suddenly on the same page — and working toward the same goal of clarifying the person’s thoughts.
4. Start mirroring
This tool is the easiest of all to use. When someone is upset, wait until they are done venting, and merely repeat the last words of their message. Say they finish with “and I’m annoyed,” for example; mirror this with “and you’re annoyed.” Using the person’s own words, said Noesner, creates an atmosphere of familiarity, making the person feel more secure — which can then lead to bonding.
5. Ask open-ended questions
Asking a question that produces a “yes” or “no” doesn’t move you any closer toward a resolution (Are you mad that Grandpa made a crack about your outfit? Yes.) An open-ended question invites conversation and makes people relax, said Noesner. “Think of how much friendlier it is for someone to hear, ‘I didn’t understand what you just said. Could you help me by explaining it further?’ or ‘I’d really like to know what you mean. What did I get wrong in that? Can you tell me more about it?’’” Asking an open-ended question, he said, also allows the other person to collect themselves and sort out their swirling thoughts and emotions.
6. Use “I” messages
This classic method of communication — using statements that begin with “I” rather than “you” — builds rapport by “personalizing the negotiator,” said Noesner.
Starting with “you” can make a person defensive or angry. “So instead of saying, ‘You need to stop yelling at me,’ you’d say, ‘I feel frustrated when you are yelling at me because I am trying to fully understand what you’re saying,’” he explained. “You’re kind of putting it on your own shoulders, but still letting the person know what problems his behavior is causing.”
