“He needs 218 votes to win, but in the first two votes, he got only 203. OK, he lost twice, but you know what they say: ‘Third time’s the — he also lost.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Kevin McCarthy is being held hostage by a group of Republican extremists who don’t believe he leans far enough to the right. He lost three rounds of voting today, even though he’s made multiple offers to these lunatics. He even agreed to cut the Office of Congressional Ethics. This is one of their demands, which is basically like replacing seatbelts with fettuccine.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“You know, I looked it up. Technically, the Constitution does not require the speaker of the House to be an elected member of Congress — it could be any American, which, to me, sounds like the premise for a pretty solid Pauly Shore movie.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“But remember, there’s more important things in life than winning or losing — there’s making fun of Kevin McCarthy for losing.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Reportedly, interns in his office are already expected to call him ‘Mr. Speaker,’ and this weekend, staffers were seen moving his boxes into the speaker’s office. I wouldn’t be in a big hurry to unpack. He may not be great at counting votes, but he’s good at counting chickens before they hatch.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“George Santos was sworn in today as a member of the House of Representatives in the state of New York. And not, as he originally claimed, Pandora.” — SETH MEYERS
“Santos just got elected in New York, and we recently learned that during the campaign, he lied about — and I’m rounding down here — everything.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“For starters, during his campaign, Santos claimed to have attended both Baruch College and New York University, but neither school could locate records to verify his claims. So, he may not have graduated, but he did get his B.S.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
